One of the most difficult parts of our current plight (other than seeing my little girl hooked up to FOUR antibiotics, with an IV in one hand, a foot, and her neck, her tiny body swollen from its inability to flush her system properly) is the need to be in constant contact with so many people. As a home-schooler, I have enjoyed the luxury of being extremely ... picky, shall we say, when choosing with whom to share our time.

Now, that may sound like a snobbish statement, but, if you are naturally an introvert, and the art of the casual conversation eludes you, you may understand what a glorious and wonderful gift it is to not have to talk just for the sake of talking. (And, lest you think this odd, I am currently reading Surprised by Joy, by C.S. Lewis and have discovered he shared my penchant for solitude, and the absence of too much in the way of social interactions. So, I am in good company.)

My children enjoy the company of other children during outdoor play, and are wonderful companions to one another. They also participate in activities such as dance, to meet those all-important requirements so often spoke of in hushed tones - "proper socialization". I wonder of any person who has actually uttered that phrase as a counter-argument for home-schooling has ever - ever -carefully dissected what it is they are actually saying. "Do you allow your children to meet regularly with other children, in the absence of adults, so that they may learn the ways of the child, during the fleeting period of life known as childhood, the rules of which, oftentimes, must be properly counteracted by the proper and exacting disciplinary actions of the adult, for adulthood, a period of life that extends, in years, during a normal lifespan, far beyond those of childhood?"

A nurse in the hospital recently queried after my "socialization" measures when it was "discovered" that we home-school. I reverently replied with my standard, "They play with other children on a regular basis, and participate in extra-curricular activities". And after I opened my mouth, I was angry at myself for even allowing her to question me. What business it is of hers? My children are, from my point of view, being properly socialized in the company of adults. After all, that is the company they will keep for the majority of their lives. I could ask, who is raising your children, while you work 40-plus hours a week? But I respect both the desire and the need for mothers to work, having been in that place myself, so I would not actually utter those words just to defend myself.

Back to the need to be in the company of others ... It is difficult. It makes me feel ... exposed, vulnerable, dependent. And, unfortunately, this will probably be how it will be for a long time - many doctors' office visits, therapy sessions, etc. Our family dynamic has changed in so many ways. Do I need to re-invent myself, take some class to learn how to yuck-it-up? I want my baby home, but it will not be the same as when the others came home. Not.in.any.way.shape.or form.

Deliberateness ...

Is mediocrity acceptable? Is "average" an okay achievement - or is that a paradox? I mean, if one is "average", has one achieved anything? The reason I ask is, I live in a household in which,"It was the least I could do" is the phrase I hear all too often. I have never tried to do the least in anything - I do not even understand what that means. My standards are high in all things - my home, my children, their academics, my accomplishments. I may not have been so self-aware, so self-actualized earlier in my life, but since I have awakened to the need for deliberateness, I have come to realize the need to have goals in all things. Even mundane, seemingly unimportant tasks need to be planned and prioritized in order to be accomplished. If I do not put "cleaning the toilet " on my chore list, it may not get done. And while I am cleaning the toilet, I figure I may as well scrub the floor around the toilet, and shine the mirror over the sink, and scrub the outer edge of the shower stall, where all the dust seems to gather. In other words, while "clean the toilet" could simply be accomplished with a swish of a paper towel and some cleanser across the seat, it is not good enough. And, one day, when my kids are older, and have jobs and families and, prayerfully, homes of their own, it is my hope that they will remember the cleanliness of their childhood home - the warmth and fresh fragrance, the tidiness, and the way they helped keep it that way - and realize that they too want more than average, more than acceptable, and more than it being the least that they could do.