Living the Not-So-Deliberate Life ...

I have found it difficult to be deliberate lately. I feel I am in limbo, between two worlds - the one in which I am here, at home, waiting for the baby to join us, and the one in which we begin to live our lives together, with Emma finally home. That world looms in the not-too-distant future, possibly as early as the end of next week, if Emma continues to gain weight and not have any intestinal problems. It is so close, the end of this tumultuous period. It is so close, and yet, so, so far away ... So much can go wrong. If she vomits, if she begins to have too many bowel movements, if ... if .... if ... So much over which I have no control. I must plan for her home-coming and yet, I must remain cautious, on guard against defeat ... once again. I want to be optimistic. I really do. I can see myself being optimistic ... I just can't feel it. Four times yesterday I told my children to get ready to go shopping - four times I told them we were leaving to get things for the baby. Four times I told them, "Maybe we'll go another day". Finally, with the fifth announcement, I managed to convince myself that I really did have to get certain things ready for her probable, possible, eventual home-coming. We did go - I do have all the receipts. How is that for optimism?

Mile-marker 200, Straight Ahead ...

I was at the hospital for rounds. The resident read from Emma's chart: "Day of life, 196 ...". They asked me if I had any questions. Only one came to mind: Does she get a gold watch when she reaches 200?

The Queen's Arrival ...

I journeyed to Philly today. Upon my arrival at the hospital, I was greeted by a sign that read, "Parking lot is full. Sorry for the inconvenience." Hmm. What to do? I had just driven 85 miles to be turned about by a sign, 'Sorry for the inconvenience"? Uh, no. I felt extremely belligerent at that moment. I wanted to ... I don't know what I wanted to do, but definitely I wanted to blame someone, have someone fix it, have someone ... Who is this "someone" I wanted to hold responsible? The someone who was going to make the hospital less hectic today, on the day of my arrival. For does not that someone know that I, Emma's mom, visit on Wednesday? Was not someone notified? And, by the way, could that same someone arrange to have my daughter better so she can be home for the holidays? Because this is truly a huge inconvenience and I want it stopped ... like now ... okay ... someone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Challenges and Blessings ...

I stumbled upon a new blog this weekend - it is on my sidebar. If you ever need a kick in the pants after a self-pity party, just click over on NieNie. She'll put it all in perspective. I was up until the wee hours of the morning reading her blog. I needed to see when it all changed for her, the moment she started to categorize her life into "before" and "after". There is a single picture that, once you know the story, captures both the essence of the loss and the joy of her journey to a new being - Easter Morning, 2008. I stared at that picture for quite some time, both before and after I had learned of her struggle, her suffering, her need to reinvent herself and yet cling to what made her herself before the accident. There is a prophetic air to her writing in the months before the accident, an alluding to fear, a sense of almost knowing this all must come tumbling down, it is too perfect, too blissful. Before Emma was born, I would marvel at the people I had either met or read about who seemed to be blessed by the struggles in their lives. Children who challenged them with their disabilities, disease that had ravaged their bodies and left them without much hope of a future, catastrophic events caused by the carelessness of others that devastated their families or their homes or their livelihoods - all horrible circumstances that one would think would cause a sense of despair to set in, a sense of pointlessness, a sense of, "I just cannot go on". And I would wonder at the absence of that, and at the joy that seemed to define their lives. I would fear the same things happening to me, to my family, most especially, to my children - because I doubted my own courage, my own abilities to cope, my own strength and faith. I am not out of the darkness yet, so I can not judge how I have weathered this storm in my life. But I have come to realize that there is a sense of being chosen that comes with struggles of these proportions. As though, God looks down at each of us and judges us to be strong enough to handle the gifts of the special circumstances we have been presented. And we call upon ourselves to meet the challenge, be worthy of the gift. Because that is what has come out of my challenge - a sense of wanting to be worthy of Emma, of all she has been through, of all that has been done to hopefully bring her home to us. There is also as an appreciation of all the normalcy that marked our lives before, and a desire to renew that in the aftermath of the turmoil that has marked it since. When you read NieNie's story, you will marvel at her faith, her strength, her willingness to go on. She speaks of the blessings in her life, and of her simple thankfulness at being alive. Hers is perhaps the most inspirational story I have read in a very long time - well, except, of course, for my little angel. But I am a bit biased.

Weekly Report ...

Week #20 completed! It was a good week. Once again, my six-week schedule helped me remain on track and focused.

The oldest twin completed Central Asia in her Eastern Hemispheres studies. We are working our way through Penny Candy, and she just completed the missionary biography she was reading. In Latin, she is continuing the review of LCI that LCII focuses on in the first five lessons. We also listened to the recordings from Librivox of Famous Men of Rome, completing chapters 3-5. I had her focus her attention on Life of Fred:Decimals & Percents, completing up to the Bridge that includes chapter 25. We will finish the book in two weeks, and then return to Math-U-See, Lesson 19. I have the Fred Algebra book on hand already, but I do not think we will begin it just yet.

Grammar studies included the younger twin, and we were able to complete five lessons this week, as well as two worksheets, and a writing assignment that focused on outlining paragraphs. The younger twin also worked his way through to the second quiz in his third CLE math workbook, and completed two weeks in science. He is reading Just So Stories, by Rudyard Kipling. He completed a number of drawing lessons via the on-line academy, and studied the Jewish holidays and Biblical origins of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. In History, we read about Greek sculpture and architecture. He added some narrations to his notebook, and drew examples of the Greek columns. He also decided to research the prevalence of the various columns in historical buildings. Got to love it when they take that extra step.

Little Bear is nearing the completion of her fourth workbook in math, and she has reached lesson 30 in R & S Spelling. We studied the Nile River this week, as well as King Tut and the mummification process. She remembers a great deal from when the older kids were working their way through SOTW I, which was 4 years ago. She was only 4 then. In Science, we studied pigeons, and read about the Cuckoo, who replaces the eggs of certain birds with its own, so that they can be raised by the efforts of others. Little Bear was really disturbed by this, especially since it involved ridding the nest of the eggs that belonged there. She felt the Cuckoo should do its own work. Little Bear is continuing to do well with Writing with Ease. Her narrations have improved so much. I have added a little tweak to the program a la the old Sonlight LA. I have her underline, circle, squiggly underline various parts of speech. She is able to recognize nouns, proper nouns, verbs, and adjectives now with relative ease.

I did manage to get some work in with Rocko. I always wait until he is receptive because I just do not see the point in trying to teach him when he is otherwise engaged. His math skills are excellent, and he can add two two-digit numbers in his head. And his writing is improving. I am using a dry-erase board with him, and helped him with his grip this week. It really seemed to improve the quality of his writing. We read about the Creation week, and a picture book of Noah's Ark. He was so interested in that one, and was able to relate to me the story in his Bible storybook about how Noah came to be on the ark. He then took it upon himself to draw his own rendition of the ark, and the animals, and Noah and his sons. I can see his interest in academics growing slowly. He asks me more often to "do school". It is nice to see his interests come alive.

Well, those are the highlights. Emma is improving, slowly. She is over 7 1/2 lbs. We are awaiting lab analysis of her stools, as there was some concern over the consistency. Let's just pray it is not the start of anything bad again. I will end (actually they are up at the top) with pictures of some playtime at a nearby park, which is situated beside a lake. It is beautiful. Hope you had a good week, too.

About Face ...

Notice anything? Anything different? In the words of Tommy Pickles, Emma's "nakee" - well, her face is, anyway. No more feeding tube. No more tape, no more blotches caused by tape, no more horrible patches of bruising and bleeding caused by her yanking the tube and the tape. She is taking all of her feeds by bottle.

Bittersweet Moments ...

I know the NICU nurses want to make me feel good about Emma's development and experiences, but ... to hear that her first "walk" was with the nurse, and her first smile shared with another baby was with the nurse, and the first time she laughed with someone playing "Patty Cake" with her was with ... the nurse, is a hard pill to swallow. I am pleased that some nurses take more of an interest in spending time with Emma beyond what her physical needs dictate. It warms my heart to know there are nurses who nurture her soul as well as her body. But it is as though I am awaiting word on an adoption that is taking far too long due to red-tape, while the baby is languishing in a ward, growing without the family that longs to provide her comfort, sustenance, and love on a daily, hourly, second-by-second basis. The empty cradle in the next room, the quilt with the warm chenille fabric, and the doll lovingly placed on the pillow inside the bed, all await Emma. The siblings who have not set eyes upon her in six months - since she weighed less than two pounds - already speak fondly of their baby sister, and await Emma. And I await Emma - not just word of Emma, not just the morning, afternoon, or nightly report on Emma, but the actual being of Emma.