Living the Not-So-Deliberate Life ...

I have found it difficult to be deliberate lately. I feel I am in limbo, between two worlds - the one in which I am here, at home, waiting for the baby to join us, and the one in which we begin to live our lives together, with Emma finally home. That world looms in the not-too-distant future, possibly as early as the end of next week, if Emma continues to gain weight and not have any intestinal problems. It is so close, the end of this tumultuous period. It is so close, and yet, so, so far away ... So much can go wrong. If she vomits, if she begins to have too many bowel movements, if ... if .... if ... So much over which I have no control. I must plan for her home-coming and yet, I must remain cautious, on guard against defeat ... once again. I want to be optimistic. I really do. I can see myself being optimistic ... I just can't feel it. Four times yesterday I told my children to get ready to go shopping - four times I told them we were leaving to get things for the baby. Four times I told them, "Maybe we'll go another day". Finally, with the fifth announcement, I managed to convince myself that I really did have to get certain things ready for her probable, possible, eventual home-coming. We did go - I do have all the receipts. How is that for optimism?