Books ...

I was sitting with my daughter, working my way through yet another painful math session, when I glanced to my left and saw the vignette pictured above. It struck me as majestic, simple yet bold in its statement - Books! I love books. There is nothing I desire to spend money on more than books. Professional haircuts, manicures, and nice clothes are not a priority when lounging pajamas and hair pulled back in a headband are way more comfortable for the travels that await me in a book. I wait with eager anticipation when it is time for new books to arrive. You would never catch me with a Kindle or any other device meant to replace the tactile pleasures of an actual book - its weight in my hands, whether a tome or a simple picture book meant to please my young uns, the smell of an old book versus a new one, the spine of a well-worn volume that is hanging on by a thread as opposed to the tight binding of yet unexplored territory . Books line my shelves, lay waiting for me in the car, are stacked three to six high on my nightstand, and are safely ensconced in my purse, less a spare moment present itself to me unarmed. I hate finding time to fill, yet having no reading material with which to fill it.

I keep a stash of books at the hospital now. I have a book of fairy tales and one of poems and prayers to read to Emma. As she snuggles in my arms, I share the wonders of reading with her, just as I would be doing if she were home with us - just as we should have been doing. I imagine how different our days would be with an infant in the house, how we would be pressed to include her schedule in our daily routine, take her needs into consideration when planning our days. But one cannot get too caught up in the "if only" s in life. I have at times, only to find myself becoming stagnant, unable to move forward because, after all, life is just not how it was supposed to be. I oftentimes think that situations like ourselves are exactly what health care reform policies seek to avoid in the future - do not allow people to be faced with these dilemmas that cause loss of work time, loss of efficiency in all things, emotional stress ... money. If life hands you lemons, throw them away before they sour the life you really wanted. The truth is, yes, I would not have ever imagined this to be our life, and I do wish it away on certain days. But it is not the child I wish away - just the situation. While it is difficult and stressful and expensive, it is our life. There is something to be said for not always getting what you want in life. It may be cliche, but it is true that these are the times that make you stronger and allow you to reflect on your blessings and see your growth in character and fortitude. I have seen my children as youngsters who are not as selfish as I feared and capable of love that far surpasses that which I ever expected.

How did I get started on this? Oh, yeah, books. Well, suffice it to say, I love books.